Stupid Mistakes
by junealondra
Summary: "Getting hit by cars, falling down stairs, causing international vampire wars. You can't even make 'smores without getting hurt!" In which Bella considers her mistakes. -oneshot.


_A/N: so, I'm not a regular here in twilight-land (I generally write in harrypotter-land) but this is a piece from an ongoing prompt challenge I have with my two best friends in the whole wide world **Bruhaeven **and** LeRequiem **(you should check out their writing, they're both _fantastic_) so yeah. enjo_y!

__**prompt: fatal flaw.**

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"Okay, so I've made some mistakes…"

The bonfire gives everyone a warm glow – even pale Emmett, who laughs, a hearty, wholesome, but still mocking laugh that gets everyone going.

"_Some?_ Oh please Bella, your whole _life_ is one big mistake!"

I wait for it – the realization, the half-assed apology to come –

"Oh. Wait. No. I didn't mean that, not that I'm saying _you_ were a mistake…Not that – Wait, well, maybe. How old was your mom when she had you?"

More laughter erupts - at my expense, of course. But I can't help the smile that creeps onto my face and my weak attempt to defend myself is even less convincing than his apology.

"Oh go home, Emmett."

But I don't mean it. Because I'm not sure what life would be like without Emmett. I've even come to like Rosalie – though her face has got this permanently scrunched up look since joining our pack. But who knows – maybe the guys really do smell as bad as she says, I wouldn't know.

I'm glad they're both here because without them…. Well – it'd be easy to forget that part of my life happened, and I'm still not sure I'm ready to do that.

Jake sits next to me, our toes almost touching in the sand. He pulls my hands into his lap, and snatches the bandages I've been struggling with for the past ten minutes and gets them on in half a second. I wince slightly as his hot hands touch my already-too-hot burns.

"But really, Bells, where to even begin…Getting hit by cars, falling down stairs, causing international vampire wars. You can't even make 'smores without getting hurt!"

He looks up from our still-touching hands, gazes into my eyes as the others slowly become very interested in roasting marshmallows or looking at the stars or just not looking at us.

"You should be more careful now, Bella -"

I'm about to ask him if that means I _wasn't _being careful before because clearly all of those things were out of my control and I can't help that I'm clumsy…

"-because _I'm_ not about to go jumping in front of cars for you!"

Jake steals a kiss I wasn't going to give him and laughs.

He flings sand my way before leaping up and running to the other side of the fire. Once again, I find myself being laughed at by our friends who were, naturally, eavesdropping the whole time.

I shake the sand off and stand up, but before I can even begin to follow Jake, my clumsiness strikes again, and the only thing that keeps me from hitting the ground are Seth's arms.

Seth smiles, trying not to laugh and I grumble a small thanks.

Cue more raucous laughter.

By some miracle, I'm able to direct the conversation towards a topic slightly less "Let's laugh at Bella" and the rest of the night goes according to plan: delicious 'smores, great stories, lots of laughter and, more generally, basking in the beauty of our small peace.

Our night turns into dark morning, and after a while conversation begins to die out. The roaring fire turns to flickering flames turns to glowing embers, and slowly standing and sitting turns to lounging and laying down.

I lay on my back, staring up at the stars, thinking, reminiscing. I hear the sounds of sleep – slow breathing and gentle sighs.

I sit up and look around at my friends: Emily and Sam lay close to the fire, fast asleep; Seth and Leah sit farther from the pack, looking out into the ocean, Seth (presumably) listening to her woes and comforting her, as usual; Quil and Embry lay sprawled out, looking enormous with their long limbs stretched as far as they'll reach – even in sleep they're trying to show off to the world; Emmett and Rosalie are farther away, actively cuddling, although they'll sneak off into the woods in a bit to do what any couple who doesn't sleep would do; and then there's Jake.

He's over near Quil and Embry, but not so close that he'd be in danger of their all-too-common thrashing and flailing.

Realizing I'm freezing and it's not even close to sunrise, I walk over to where he's laying (trying my best to steer clear of bodies, not trusting my feet to be able to step over them) and snuggle up between his chest and his arm.

He lets out a big sigh and pulls me closer. Instant warmth.

I lay my head on his chest and feel it rise and fall softly.

"Hey."

I'm too comfy to lift my head, so I respond to his shirt instead.

"Hey yourself."

He won't have that though, so I'm manhandled into a sideways snuggle where I'm inches from his face.

There's a moment of silence where we're both just watching the other before he speaks again, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Wanna talk?"

I shake my head.

"No."

He looks at my mouth in a not-so-subtle boy way.

"Wanna… not-talk?"

I laugh a whispery laugh but shake my head.

"No, Jacob. Just keep me warm tonight?"

He lets out a fake exasperated sigh, "Mmmkay," and kisses me anyway.

He twists us back into our original position and I feel his breath even out beneath my head.

"I love you, Bella."

He's already asleep by the time I whisper my usual response.

"I know."

The stars seem to shine brighter tonight and despite my own sleepiness, my mind races and races and races until I find myself thinking about mistakes again.

I tell myself I won't dwell on the past anymore, that what's done is done, but some nights I find myself plagued by insomnia and I think on my former life - caught somewhere in between nostalgia and regret.

Sometimes I think about my relationship with Edward and I miss what we had – the poignancy of our impossible love and how much brighter it burned because of that. But some impossible loves are impossible for a reason.

The first time he left me I told myself it was because he loved me too much. I clung to his memory, our memory, and ignored the reason others tried to make me see.

When he returned… nothing was the same. We both tried to pretend like it was, but our impossible love was tainted. When it came back to us it was breakable, and we both felt it. We could see the cracks in the surface, and we wondered how long it would last and what our futures held.

The second time he left, I told myself it wasn't my fault.

I was put in an impossible situation which, of course, called for an impossible decision.

He didn't want me to become a vampire, to die. He wanted us to be together for the rest of my days and when my day came his would too.

I hated that. I couldn't let him do that. It was all or nothing [I think it always had been for me]. I couldn't have it all, so we were both left with nothing.

I told him to forget about me, to continue his un-life with his family and enjoy their eternity together. I told him I would move on eventually – even though I wouldn't forget our love, and nothing would ever be the same…I'd find a way to settle, to work with what was left of myself.

I guess some of the things my friends had told me after the first time must have sunk in, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to be half that strong.

I guess the only thing more surprising than this sudden burst of strength was how much stronger than Edward I turned out to be.

Me, clumsy, fragile, human-me ended up being stronger than the marble, Adonis-of-a-man I had always thought Edward was.

I told him that I was going to live a human life - but a _completely_ human life, which couldn't include a boyfriend or husband who didn't age as I grew older and older before his eyes.

After I told him my decision – well, that was the last time I saw him.

I left the Cullen house that day and fully expected them to cut me out of their lives, and for one week I was not disappointed.

But then Alice came to visit. She came on foot, sobbing as Charlie opened the door for her. I took her upstairs and she told me Edward had left. She was worried – she hadn't had any visions but she said there were clues around the house – things he had or hadn't taken with him. She told me she didn't think he was coming back.

I fretted with the Cullens for a while – living in their house like I had been before 'the decision' (as I was already beginning to think of it as). I wasn't much help, of course, but I think they wanted me to be there as much for my sake as for theirs. I was a piece of Edward that they could have even if they couldn't get Edward back.

But then things changed again.

Alice had a vision. She had seen Edward, she couldn't tell where he was, it was only a split second, but she said his eyes had been red.

Suddenly there was tension in the house…everyone on edge, scared, worried.

One day Alice told me she and Jasper were leaving. Whether it was to look for Edward, or just because she didn't want to be around Forks, where people would always be reminding her of what she'd lost, I won't ever know.

I sent her a few letters – those first weeks when Esme and Carlisle were still in contact with her – but she never wrote me back.

I knew I would be losing Edward, and as devastating as it was, I knew I could make it, but losing Alice was a blow I was not expecting, and hit me harder than I could have imagined.

We at least had a going-away party for Esme and Carlisle, who told the community they were moving to Alaska to care for some relatives, which was actually the complete truth. We didn't talk much at the party, but they left me a letter of their own, telling me how much they'd miss me and that they'd always love me like a daughter.

Another blow I could never have expected.

As shocked I'd been at the departure of the rest of their family, I was even more shocked when Emmett and Rosalie told me they were staying in Forks.

Emmett had always felt like a brother to me, but it was at that moment when his eyes turned glassy (the only time I'd ever seen Emmett not smiling or snarling) I realized he must have also considered me his sister.

_"Who knows what kind of stupid trouble you'd get into if there were no one here to look after you." _

Rosalie even smiled. I think she secretly thanked me for choosing my own life even though I'd hurt Edward in the process.

That was a year ago, and the rest is history – sort of.

Jake and the pack welcomed me with open arms - they were more reluctant about Rosalie and Emmett, but they knew what had happened, and after a few joint Cullen-Quilete rounds of "keep Bella safe from the Volturi" they decided Emmett and Rosalie had stayed behind to take care of me and not to terrorize the citizens of Forks.

And that's how we finally made it here – to our small and not entirely impregnable peace.

I feel Jake's chest rise and fall with another sigh – my own breath follows, a deep inhale and a slow exhale.

It's true that people change, but honestly, I feel like a different person than the high school girl who fell in love with Edward; I'm stronger, I'm more confident, I'm happy and…well, I guess I'll always need friends around to protect me from stairs and my own feet.

I like my new life, really.

Of _course_ I still wonder whether Edward's alive, off brooding somewhere far away, or if he's already shattered into a thousand pieces that no amount of vampire healing can fix. Of _course_ I still feel guilty that he's gone. Of _course_ I feel like there's a gaping hole in my chest, in my life, where he should be, where Alice should be, where Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme should be.

Sometimes I wonder if it'd have been better if we never met. If that first meeting in Biology had been our real downfall; if we could have changed our whole lives by avoiding that one fateful encounter.

Maybe that was our big mistake, our fatal flaw.

Certainly our lives would have been a lot less eventful, and a lot less dangerous for sure. Maybe I would have found Jacob sooner, and maybe Edward would have found someone less human to love. Or maybe Jessica would have had a chance with Edward (or maybe not).

Maybe things would have been easier, but that's not to say they'd be better.

The way we got here was difficult and bloody. People died who shouldn't have and people suffered who shouldn't have, but I think this is the way things were always meant to happen.

Because everyone here's been hurt, this rag-tag bunch of humans, vampires and werewolves – but we still made it here, and laying on the beach of La Push tonight, everything feels right.

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_post-notes: yay! I hope you enjoyed reading, I always seem to have trouble writing from Bella's pov.. so let me know what you think! i'm always happy to read reviews, so leave some love (or hate) via the button below :)_

_junejune._


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